Apparently, it's Fall.

So, it's been a while since I posted anything here. I've been pretty exhausted with this pregnancy, and chasing Noah and getting Ella to and from school have all proven to be more than a full time job. We did, however, make some time a couple weeks ago to go to the pumpkin patch. Ella loved every second, Noah wanted to just run and be free (As usual). It's getting to the point where I can't let Noah out of the stroller in public, as he knows I can't catch him and thinks it's hilarious to run and taunt me. Anyway, we had a great Halloween, with waaay too much walking, too much candy, and not enough sleep. But the kids had a blast, and I've learned that's really all these holidays are about: parents getting exhausted while kids run a muk. Ah, memories.

Anyway, I feel as though I blinked and it's November. We're waist-deep in autumn, no matter what the thermometer says, and we're running full force at Baby Day. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it to January, as I'm as big, as tired, and as waddley (I just made that word up) as I was when I gave birth to Noah. I feel unprepared, in a physical, literal, and emotional sense. So, we'll see.

In the meantime, I'm trying to just enjoy each day, to look at the leaves of autumn rather than worry about the cold of winter.

Good news, Bad news.

The Good news: Ella started Kindergarten, and all is well. She loves her class, loves school, loves having lunch at school, and I love having one kid outta the house for four hours a day.

The Bad News: She didn't let me take one picture of her on her first day. Not. One. "Mommmm, not now." "No, Mommy. don't take pictures." And because the last thing I want is to push a first-time kindergartener into a meltdown on her first day, I didn't. And I just KNOW I'm gonna be sorry.

Marching forward

Whether I approve or not, my kids are growing up. Ella starts kindergarten tomorrow. And we'll have to say goodbye to that "baby" part of her. Even as she was in preschool last year, it was as if every new thing she learned, as her vocabulary expanded, as her view of the world widened, her little innocent face changed. She went from a naive baby girl to a grown, independent, young girl. And while I know I should be proud that she can spell small words, and add numbers, and understands the world in a more complex way, I just can't help but be sad to say goodbye to the baby phase of her life. After all, she's my first. My first baby. Having her changed my life, changed who I am. And to see her move on to a new phase just rips my heart out. I often want to stop time, to just stay right here, rolling around in bed on a Saturday morning watching silly cartoons with Ella laying next to me, Noah climbing all over us, and Ivan still half asleep. I feel this urgent push toward a day when my kids don't want me to kiss them in public, when they don't pick up their cell phone when I call. And I just can't handle that. Okay, maybe it's the pregnancy hormones raging through me, but it's true. How do we do this? How do we sit back and let these moments end, without a fight? How do we let the inevitable happen?

I'm not sure yet.
But I'll keep you posted.

Shameless Self Promotion

Well I've launched my new photography website, so go visit it and think of me when you have any photography needs!

Intuitive Images

We're still here.

I'm terrible at updating, apparently.

Turns out, with a five year old at home for summer vacation, a one year old who sleeps in our bed and can't stop nursing, and being five months pregnant, I don't get time to sit at the computer like I want to. I don't even get the dishes done. Who'da thunk?

Well, we're in full pregnancy swing over here. Mood swings, cravings, no sleep, bathroom breaks, everything. And we're also expecting... another boy. Wait, that didn't sound excited. ... ANOTHER BOOOOY!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Just typing that sentence made me tired.

I must say, as this pregnancy was a complete surprise, I've had to make an effort to really get on board with having another kid. And now, another boy? Noah has now reached the age where the differences between boys and girls are glaringly apparent. Mainly, he likes to hit things, climb things, and the word "no" means absolutely nothing to him. Toys are uninteresting- remote controls and Dad's shoes, and tools, and punching walls are all much better options than that little plastic thing with the flashing lights. Yesterday, Noah got two baths. One for a dog poop crisis, one for a paint can disaster. I won't go into details, but it was insane. And the whole time, I just kept thinking, "There are going to be TWO of these. And they're going to conspire together." I suddenly feel outnumbered and a bit helpless.

And, after that crazy day, and my exhaustion, and the multiple baths, and the cleaning a pint of brown paint off the floor and moldings, I put him to sleep. And he was quiet. And beautiful. And amazing.

And I suddenly didn't mind that he would have a little brother, a best friend. Someone to stay up and tell scary stories to, to share things with, to protect and love.

I think we'll be okay.

But I may not sleep for another couple years..... so don't make fun of my hair.

The Fam.....

FIVE!!!!

... more info to come...

In this corner...

Well, Noah will be a year old this Sunday. I can't even believe how fast time is flying by. And suddenly I look at him, and he's so grown up already. What happened to my little baby? When he's asleep at night, I whisper to him that he's not allowed to get any older. That he must stop growing and changing. So far, he hasn't listened.

He's not walking independently yet. But here's the thing: he actually can. He can stand alone. He can take steps alone. But when he sees where he's going, he realizes he can get there faster by just crawling, so he sits and crawls. He'll hold a hand or a finger and walk around like that, but without assistance, he just doesn't see the benefit. He'll get there. He also doesn't really see the need to eat real food, when boob is readily available. Sure, he can take a few bites of rice or chicken or veggies, but not much. Why should he, when Mom is right there??? I guess he'll get there too when he's ready. He knows what a cow says ("mmmmoooooooo"), loves pattycake (because he gets to clap and hit things), and STILL LOVES BOXING. What is it with this kid? He has an obsession with boxing, the speedbag, watching boxing on tv, watching other people hot the bag or hit the mitts. I mean, if EVER a sport was in someone's blood, it's in his. He's been obsessed since 6 months old. Ivan is so proud. and Jose Luis can't wait to start training him. All I know is, he better be good, cause if anyone messes up that face, they're gonna have to deal with ME.

Mother's Day Gift Ideas

I think for this Mother's Day, I'm gonna give myself... permission to not feel guilt.

I am a good mom. Getting some of the laundry done is okay. We've never been without clean clothes to wear. My kids KNOW that I love them. Yes, I need to mop. But the sticky handprints on the walls mean that someone was having (unsupervised) fun.

No, my hair's not done. Yes, I look like I haven't slept in weeks. And no, I don't care. Why? Hear that sound? That's my kids laughing in the other room. (and the sound of a lamp crashing to the floor. but hey, there's laughter about that, too.)

I might not be the best wife. I might not be the best friend. or daughter. or sister. But when it comes to being solely responsible for someone else's life and development and happiness, that's gonna trump everything else around me. Sorry.

And each and every day, I do the little bit that I can. It's not profound, or beautiful, or grand. It's real. I really did just pick up dog poop, wipe a butt, wash everyone's hands, wash the dishes, pull a crayon out of a mouth, kiss a bump on the forehead, sing the alphabet song, nurse the baby, scream when he bit me, laugh when he laughed, apologize for not having time to read a story, re-stock the toilet paper, wipe another butt, and microwave leftovers. And every day, I struggle with the longer list of things that don't get done. The "didn't" list. And the fact that that list grows in multiples of three daily starts to chip away at my emotional stability. I can feel the tears well up sometimes. I feel my sens of humor slipping through my fingers. I can feel the sleep deprivation in my joints. I can see my unmanicured nails and unshaved legs.

But, I think for this Mother's Day, I'm going to give myself a moment to breathe, and do my best to forget about the "didn't" list for just a day.

About 10 years too early.

Me: You're not really wearing that to school, are you? (about Ella's lace skirt, jelly shoes, and pearl necklace)

Ella: It's my clothes, Mommy. I can wear it if I want. (toss of hair, spin on heel, walk away with attitude.)


I am soo not prepared to raise a tiny version of me circa 1994.

Shutup, Doc Marten's with sundresses were cool then.

2009, I am not your friend.

This year has started out rough.

January marked the beginning of Ivan's health issues.

February started a bevy of issues for Ella, including this, as well as a bad flu. Noah also fought that stomach flu.

March was more testing and e.r. visits for Ivan, as well as a double ear infection for Ella that required two rounds of antibiotics. We are also still fighting sinus issues for her.

Then two weeks ago, we got hit even harder. Noah started a super high fever, vomited through the night, so we took him to the e.r. at 5 am on a Saturday morning with a fever of 105. After poking him repeatedly to obtain blood samples and get an i.v. line started, they decided to admit him. His white blood cell count was 25,000. (apparently, normal level is 10-12 thousand.) He also showed signs of bronchitis on his chest xray. So we buckled down and spent three days sleeping in chairs, crying, talking to nurses, and eating hospital food. He was released on a Monday. That week, I took him for a checkup at his own doctor, who suggested that we maintain the course of liquid antibiotics prescribed by the hospital. So we did.



That was Thursday.

On Sunday, his fever spiked again. Monday it was up to 102. Another visit to the e.r. This time, we decided to go to C.H.O.C. because, of course, its reputation is impeccable, and we were starting to think something bigger was going on. We wanted to have Dr. House on speed dial. Well, apparently, everyone else had the same brilliant idea and nothing else to do on a Monday night, since all of Orange County was in that emergency room. Let's put it this way. There was a 2-hour wait and they were triage-ing people in groups of EIGHT. So we stayed for about an hour, during which Noah's fever started to come down and he started getting sleepier and fussier, and we felt no closer to seeing a doctor. So we took him home and kept an eye on him. He's been steadily getting better since then, the fever finally broke after two days of alternating Tylenol and Motrin, but he still feels sick. I can tell. And what makes it even harder is that he's such a good kid. Always smiling, always laughing. Even in the hospital. So it makes it hard to tell when something's wrong.

noah in the hospital

Anyway, we're all exhausted from the battle. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I don't know how families deal with terminally or perpetually ill children. And I saw many in the hospital. I pray every day now that we never have to experience anything worse than this, because I don't know that I can handle it.



But in that same prayer, I am always quick to thank God for every moment and every gift.



I'm ready for 2009 to get better now.

Ella Liebowitz

My mom got Ella a kid's digital camera for Christmas, and I'm pretty sure it's one of the best gifts she's ever received. At first, Ella's days were filled with walking around, using the camera's built-in funny template frames to take amusing photos of people and things around the house (see below). But recently, she's changed her M.O. to taking pictures of her little brother doing something incriminating (i.e., grabbing a plant, walking into the bathroom, playing with something not intended for baby consumption) and running to me to show me the digital evidence.

I hear a *snap* in the other room, and Ella runs to me with her camera in hand, pushes a button on the back of her camera (all the while smiling like the cat that ate the annoying younger canary) and she shows me a photo of Noah doing something naughty. She then turns to me and says, "Did you see, Mommy?"

I guess tattling has made it's way into the digital era.

Some of Ella's non-incriminating photos:

.. and then I painted his nails.

Ivan: Why is it that you go to the store for Baby Tylenol, and come home with hair clips, candy, a tabletop fountain, and body wash?

Me: You're such a boy.

Yes we can.

Listen up.

Ella's been having a hard time hearing. The ear infection has been messing her up, and I've found myself raising my voice to pretty insane levels just to get her to hear me. (Don't worry, I already have an appointment to get her hearing checked.)

I asked her to go get me one of Noah's little chew toys so I could wash it off. She nodded her head and disappeared. Five minutes later, I see Noah walking around with the toy in the tray of his walker.

I went into Ella's room and told her to try to listen better, because I actually asked her to bring the toy to me, not give it to Noah.

She just shrugged and said, "I gave it to him to give to you."

Well, hello.

Ever wake up one morning and wonder where the last two months of your life went?

I just did.

Okay, so since our last update, we have accomplished the following:

1. Ella got a double ear infection, and is just now finishing her round of amoxicillin. Today was the first day she didn't gag while taking it, prompting me to bark at her like some high school wrestling coach to "suck it up" and "just do it already."

2. Noah got over the stomach flu, and now poops like a big boy. This may, in fact, be directly proportionate to the amount of big boy food he is now scarfing down, including cheese puffs, noodles, peas, crackers, and lint he finds on the floor.

3. We got a new puppy. We went with the name "Sundae" because she's white on the bottom and has brown on her head (like a hot fudge sundae...?) She's relatively more assertive than Coco, and has chased Coco away from the food more than once, which gives Coco some sort of heart attack, having never even seen another dog in her life. As far as puppies go, Sundae has so far proven to be rather calm and cuddly, we just need to work on the whole "not giving Coco a heart attack from fear" thing.

4. Ivan is doing well. He's taking his blood pressure twice a day, and his medications are all right on schedule. I have to reign him in every now and then from boxing, since the doctor hasn't cleared him for real exercise yet, but he humors me and usually takes it slow.

5. My sister, Beth, is coming out to see us in a couple weeks. She's amazing with kids, loves puppies, and really needs a break right now, so I'm hoping this trip will do her good. We'll hit up Disneyland, maybe shop a little, but mostly just hang out and play with the munchkins.

6. Home improvement. Let's keep this short. Our bathroom's still not done. Next item.

7. Unemployment extended benefits! Thank you King Obama!

okay, so I'll do better at updating here. Promise.

Meanwhile, here's a pic of Sundae:

My baby's sick.

Guess what? The stomach flu is contagious!

We're battling a fever, vomit, diarrhea, and general yuckitude with Noah.

I hate to see my little boy sick.

P.S.- I can't believe he's coming close to a year old. It seems like he just got here.

Give it a whirl.

So, with these bright shiny new Disneyland Annual Passes Ella and I got, I've got lots of opportunities to take photos in a place absolutely built for the visually stimulated. I've been throwing my faves on Flickr, and have gotten some good feedback. The reason I like my Disneyland photos is cause they're a little different.

It's not just the standard "castle" shot, it's the castle in a weird saturation at an unusual angle. It's not just a picture of the Dumbo ride, it's a picture of the ride's entrance displaced to look more graphic against an overly saturated sky.

Aaaaaanyway, I decided to throw my pics on Imagekind, and sell them. Imagekind is great, cause you can buy just the print, a mat and frame, different textures, even printed on an art canvas.

So, for anyone interested in Disneyland photos as art, here's your new source.

http://hapamomma.imagekind.com/

My Opus.

Our bathroom is still not done.

but the floor is getting there....

Now, for my next trick....

... uhhhh, I don't know ANYONE who can pull off a cape, skinny jeans, and mocassin boots.

exceeeept, Claudia Schiffer.

Touche, Claudia.

Touche.

The Toilet Bowl

Super Bowl Weekend!! woo-hooooo!!!!

Wait. What's that, Ella? You want to get up four times a night and get exploding stomach pains and diarrhea??? Fun!

My poor baby's been battling this gastro crap since Friday. No school for her again today.

Worst. part. of. parenting.

The worst part of having sick kids is the helpless feeling. It's this engrained instinctual thing to want to protect them from every possible ache, pain, sickness, bad thought, papercut, etc. Trying to get my mind to remember that kids have to go through this, that we all go through it, is no easy task. It's as if every pain and tear is a personal attack on my parental self confidence. I don't really know another way to describe it. This instinct is so strong with me, this overprotective mama cub thing, that I do take it too far at times.

But right now, I don't really care. She's siiiiiick.

Gotta go check on the chicken noodle soup on the stove.

You know you're old when....

.. this is how you spend Super Bowl Sunday.






















To be fair, though, we did have some shrimp and veggie appetizers on the coffee table. I'm pretty sure the NFL constitutes that as a "Super Bowl Party".

Generally,

I am not a fan of spring. Or patent leather. Or bright colored accessories.





But I'll be damned is these things didn't make my mouth water with desire.

btw.

Have I mentioned that I love to take pictures?

http://flickr.com/photos/30912986@N06/

Circus Circus

Today, I am embracing the chaotic.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself when my right eye starts to throb from looking at the dirty dishes in the sink.

This week, we are dealing with the mundane to the extreme:

1. We are laying new tile in our master bathroom. Also adding a new toilet, painting, new fixtures, and new lighting. Feels like brain surgery. We're all prepped, going moment by moment, but because my father in law is doing the heavy lifting, we're having arguments about procedure, timeframe, and recovery time.

2. Ivan went back to work today, after 2 1/2 weeks off. We're still dealing with the medications, round the clock blood pressure monitoring, and a new low fat, low cholesterol diet, but he is much improved. I'm considering banning pay-per-view boxing in an attempt to keep his blood pressure at a non-threatening level. But now, with him gone during the day again, I'm left to corral the babies alone. Even with Ivan here in a diminished physical capacity, it is always a huge help to have an extra pair of hands. Now I'm back to doing one thing at a time, which is really not the way to get shit done.

3. Ella loves school. She needs it. She dreams about it, then jumps out of bed when she realizes she gets to attend today. On weekends, the first hour of the day is spent explaining how long it will be before she can go back again. This attitude persists, regardless of my personal preference to never leave the house again and just let the internet raise her. (Packing up two kids to drop her off at school sometimes takes me an hour. Yes. An hour.)

4. The house. It's a mess. I could list the details, but I'll spare you, dear internet. Let's just say it looks like they filmed the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan in my living room. End of story.

5. Noah is pretty much ready for his first appearance on David Letterman. The kid laughs. He smiles. He responds to your questions and noises. He mimicks every single sound and word you make. He actually repeated the word "nuts" the other night. (I was referring to an American Idol contestant, so get your minds out of the gutter.) He calls me "Mama" and Ivan "Dada". Okay, I know what you're gonna say. He's supposed to do that. He's a baby. Yeah, alright. It's just such a profound thing when something you pushed out of your body just months ago starts responding to the world, and can look at you, identify you in English, and laugh at your jokes. It's like a removed mole turning around and pointing at you. But better. And less gross.

Just those 5 things alone make me tired. Someone call DR. House- I need to figure out why three cups of coffee a day aren't enough......

The short version.

So here's the update. I don't have too much time to go into details, as Ivan needs his meds, Ella is hungry, and Noah is slamming into walls in his walker, but let's try and recap.

Last Monday, Ivan started experiencing chest pains at work. We rushed him to the E.R., where they took an ekg. It was abnormal. His heart rate was hovering around 115 bpm. Normal heart rate is 60-90. They waited 4 hours, and re-took it along with a second set of bloodwork. The ekg was abnormal again, so they assumed that it was just Ivan's normal baseline ekg. Since we know nothing about ekgs, we believed them. Even with his heart rate high throughout sedation and 5 hours in the E.R., they released him. Luckily, my grandmother works in the office of the South Bay's best cardiologist, Dr. T.K. Lin. He helped my grandfather through a triple bypass surgery in the 70's, and through every illness up until his death in 2003. Dr. Lin's been our family cardiologist for over 30 years, and we made an appointment to see him the next day.

Later that night, after returning home, Ivan started getting more pain in his chest. At 11:00 that night, I took him to our local E.R. After another ekg and vitals monitoring, everything seemed normal. So, rather than go through invasive testing in the E.R., we opted to just wait to see Dr. Lin in the morning.

Just a few notes about Dr. Lin. He's a hardass. In the purest sense of the word. He yells at nurses who don't jump when he says jump. He laughs at other doctor's diagnoses when they are wrong. He will tell you exactly what he thinks, even if it hurts your feelings, then tell you to leave. We love him.

So, at his office, when looking at the first E.R.'s ekg, he got a look of disgust on his face, and proceeded to tell us how most people don't know how to take an ekg. We got a full lecture about why people are trained wrong, that they put the electrodes on the wrong place on the body, not "smart enough" to figure out the correct positioning. So he ran another ekg. Then he put Ivan on the treadmill for a stress test. Immediately, Ivan got a pain, and the ekg spiked. Or plummeted. Whichever one it's NOT supposed to do. He flunked it.

Seeing this, Dr. Lin ordered us to go straight to the hospital, to get bloodwork and an echocardiogram done. Now, because we had both kids with us, and no babysitter, we started scrambling. My grandma called the hospital and got us a 3:00 pm echo appointment.

At 1:45, Dr. Lin called my cell phone and asked me why we weren't done yet. Yeah. He's like THAT.

So, we did the bloodwork and the echo, both normal. We found that Ivan's cholesterol was out of sight. His LDL levels were ridiculously high. But everything else was normal.

Dr. Lin sat us down and explained that he wanted to schedule Ivan for an angiogram. An angiogram is a procedure that maps the heart, looking for artery damage, narrowing, or abnormality. They insert a catheter into the artery in your groin, and thread it into your heart, then shoot a dye into your heart. A live xray video is taken, showing the bloodflow and beating of your heart. It's invasive. And scary. And the thought of it scared the shit out of us.

Dr. Lin admitted Ivan to the hospital. Well, the hospital was full, so we had to be admitted through the E.R. Which was full. Which meant we would have to wait for hours just to get a bed in the E.R., then hope for a bed upstairs. Dr. Lin walked us through the E.R. and barked at nurses and the head of the E.R. till we got a bed. A bed in the hallway. Which was full of other patients in beds. When we got a bed at 10:00 pm, there were patients in the E.R. waiting room who had been there for SIX HOURS. And hadn't even been seen. Thank you for being a hardass, Dr. Lin.

So, Ivan spent the night in the E.R., and after a few chest pain episodes and some nitroglycerine, he finally got some sleep. And I ran back and forth between his E.R. bed and my dad's, where the kids were sleeping. I'm still nursing Noah, so being away from him for any length of time can be tough. Ivan finally got assigned to a shared room upstairs around 3 in the morning, and I fell asleep next to him in the hospital bed. (We found out later that they never let anyone stay in the room with patients, let alone in the bed. Oh well. I didn't ask permission.) WE knew the angiogram was scheduled around 11 am, so at 7 am, I woke and left to go check on the kids. As I was driving, Ivan called me and told me that they were wheeling him into the angio now! What!??! Wait!!! I have to kiss you! I have to tell you I love you and that it's gonna be alright! Dammit.

Apparently, Dr. Lin pulled more strings and wanted to get it done early.

So I rushed back.

The angio went great, everything looked fine. No narrowing, no heart damage or issues, everything looked beautiful.

Which was good.

and bad.

We didn't know what the problem was now. If it's not cardiovascular disease or artery buildup, what was it?

Dr. Lin put Ivan on a bunch of meds, including a cholesterol medication and a heart spasm prevention med, and wanted to keep him in the hospital for observation overnight.

More running back and forth for me. Kids, hospital. Kids, hospital. Kids, hospital.

On Thursday, Dr. Lin came in and ordered another ekg. Apparently, the one they did that morning was not sufficient. Now, I dobn't think I can even describe in words the hilarity of the scene that followed. Dr. Lin literally yelled at the ekg tech, smacked her hand away from Ivan's chest, and proceeded to spend 25 minutes TEACHING her how to put the electrodes on correctly. I've never seen anything like it. And I'm pretty sure the ekg tech cried when she left the room. But, everything looked normal enough to release Ivan, so we checked out, with strict orders to go straight to Dr. Lin's office. Of course. We got medications. And medications. And orders. And medications. And Ivan was put on a 24-hour monitor. Meaning, he got more electrodes taped to his chest, which fed into a monitor he had to wear around his neck for 24 hours straight. The readings of which would be decifered by the doctor later.

I'll try to cut the rest short.

We had a little scare, popped some nitroglycerine, rested, drove the kids back and forth, scrambled for more babysitting, ended up sleeping at my dad's in Carson (to be closer to the hospital), then got the monitor off the next day. We're waiting for the specific results.

Ivan's now on 5 daily medications, with two more meds here for him as needed. I've been caring for the kids and him, we've switched our entire diet to low-fat, low-cholesterol, high fiber. Ivan's off work and resting till next week. So, for now, Dr. Lin believes that Ivan's problem stems from intermittent heart spasms, which he's likely had for a while, but ignored. It's incredibly lucky we caught it now. It could be alot worse. And his cholesterol levels could have been a precursor to an even more serious cardiac issue. But we're home now.

And we're all exhausted.

But we're so grateful that he's okay. And he's here. And we have each other.

I learned alot of things in this past week. Like how to keep a medical journal. And that stress can affect breastmilk. And that I don't ever want to face the possibility of not having Ivan with me. And that this family is the only thing that matters.

Believe it or not, that really is the short version.

The best part of my day.

So, this stay at home mom thing takes getting used to. Specifically, transitioning to the mindset of approaching home like a jobsite. Most of the time, I am still just content to play with the kids, take Ella to school, putz around on the computer, give Noah a nap and a meal, pick up Ella, and that's the entire day. Gone. Every once in a while, I'll get a burst of caffeine energy and do a couple loads of laundry or a load of dishes, pick a few toys and clothes up, but that's the extent of my housekeeping. And I see all these other stay at home moms who run websites, sew clothing, bake cakes, and I don't know how. I don't know how they do it. What's worse, I don't really get why they want to do it. But somehow, because I don't, can't, or don't want to, I am starting to feel pretty inadequate. In my head, I have time and energy to make crafts, make the beds, bake sweets, breastfeed, fold the laundry, and scrub the tub all while caring for my 7 month old and getting my five year old to school and back home. In reality, I'm lucky to get a load of laundry in the washing machine, where it sits for a day or two, and throw a microwave dinner in my mouth around lunchtime. I don't get it. Where do these other women find the hours???



And yet, amidst the chaos and day to day chores, there is inevitably a moment. One moment when nothing else exists, and I see something like this:

















And, just for a second, I don't care about the dirty dishes in the sink, I don't feel the lego poking into the bottom of my foot, and I don't mind the smell of the trash that no one took out last night.

I just see him.